One week, in fact, one week and a day is the time I managed not to be Bel. A week with my parents whom I love dearly, because I truly love them. However, I couldn't share with them that Bel existed, in fact, as the days passed, a rift grew. Not because of them, but because of me.
On the first day I arrived, I wore Bel's pendant. That beautiful "B" that my wife gifted me on the day I was "born." She asked about the pendant, and I felt uncomfortable, almost scared. What did I answer? Simply the truth, that it was a gift from my wife. I didn’t wear the pendant around them anymore.
I visited my cousin and his partner, what a pleasure it was to be with them. And above all, what a pleasure to be able to talk to them about Bel. His partner didn't know anything about Bel. I loved explaining it to her, feeling her embrace full of affection and love at the end. Showing her the photo and hearing her say she liked "Bel" even more than the guy she had in front of her explaining it.
In any case, what you are probably wondering, it has been a tough week. Despite my attempts to deny it, I missed Bel terribly. I led my normal life, the one I had always lived with my parents. I didn’t let Bel show herself. Yet sometimes she emerged, and I was terrified; I'm sure my mother noticed something. In front of the few friends I saw these days, I was on the verge of showing myself to one of them, but I didn’t. I felt somewhat cowardly for not doing it.
Finally, the revelation. Yes, I was at Revela't, a wonderful photography festival. There, I realized that this diary was lacking. It deserves photographs. So, there at Revela't, the idea was born to make a photo book or whatever comes out of this birth of Bel. Although on the first day, I was not yet convinced of the necessity of my existence.
But that night, I left early and changed. Yes, I'm no longer at my parents' house as I write these lines. So, I could change calmly, and I became Bel. And then, yes, I understood how much I had missed being Bel. It changed my face; I didn’t need my wife to tell me, I saw it myself. A long black skirt graced my freshly shaved legs, bras that gave me a bit more bust, a t-shirt and a sweater on top. A perfect shave that barely revealed any beard marks, and a wig far from that first silly wig transformed me into a beautiful girl who didn’t even need makeup. Okay, maybe there was a little extra, some pounds I gained these holidays. Besides visiting family, my vacations are always gastronomic and include lots of food that we don’t find in Germany. But apart from this detail, I saw myself as very beautiful.
I grabbed my new summer purse and proudly walked out the door towards the car. It was the first day that Bel drove. Why does something as routine as driving feel so good as Bel and so different? I enjoy doing routine things as Bel, in the role of a woman. How can I notice differences in these things? It should be the same, but it isn’t. I’ve talked about cooking, where I notice the least difference, because I know that Bel always cooked at home.
I went to pick up my wife, and we went to dinner. There were some looks, but nothing serious. And honestly, I don't care. Now I know that Bel is much braver than he is. Driving to pick up my wife, I realized how little it would cost me to visit my parents and explain it to them. As him, I am not able to muster the courage to do it. The problem is that I think it would be easier for my parents if he went to talk to them, not Bel.
Yes, you’ve noticed, it seems that it’s already decided that I will have to talk to them. After a week of not being Bel, I realized the inevitability of Bel, if I really want to live. My life has had a dimmed part, and you know what? I want to be happy. I think I know that I will end up doing it, but I refuse to accept that I must take this step. Anyway, that's not for now. I haven't done it yet; when I do, I'll tell you.
After a walk, and back home. Yesterday, when I started writing this entry, I put on a summer dress and went for a stroll, nothing particularly relevant, some ignoramuses I think laughed at me. But during this walk, I decided that I would return to Revela't and talk to a couple of colleagues, to explain to them that Bel exists, and my idea to do a photographic project about Bel.
They are two people far from my inner circle, so we could say that I took the plunge by doing it, and I did it alone, without my wife by my side. It was great to do it, to talk about the project, the ideas, and even though I was him, to speak openly about her and how important Bel is.
Anyway, there were two or three photos taken that will go into the reportage when the time comes. I just want to thank those two people I spoke with. Your names will come out when the time is right, you know that. Anyway, thank you! I won’t talk more about the project because once it takes shape I will start sharing it. I could talk about various anecdotes and thoughts from this conversation, but I think they will come out over the next few days.
In any case, one last reflection. In the book of Zhuangzi, the first fable explains that Zhuangzi dreams he is a butterfly flying freely without a care, and upon waking, he wonders if he is really a butterfly dreaming he is Zhuangzi or is Zhuangzi dreaming he is a butterfly. Well, I live two realities. In one, I am a boy who longs to be a girl, and in the other, I am a girl who at least for now does not live fully. Either way, the memories of one and the other seem like a dream. Now, as he writes these lines, I remember the walk and dinner as a dream, something unreal. When I am her, I remember the boy as a dream, but a more faded dream... In few moments do these two realities cross, like when I was explaining the photographic project, but more than crossing, it was simply that Bel was coming out even though I was wearing boy’s clothes. The role was emerging.
Because apart from seeing myself very well in the mirror when I put on a cute little skirt, what I have noticed that makes the difference is the role. Feeling yourself in the role that comes naturally and that you haven't had to learn. And yes, this role, it is becoming clearer and clearer that it is that of a woman. Perhaps that's why I've always had so many girlfriends I suppose. And to feel the role, I have to interact with other people, a thousand times at Revela't I wished that Bel had gone to Revela't. Especially because she, experiences emotions much more than I do, and photography is about emotions, among many other things. I wanted to interact with people I knew as a girl, not as a boy. Being a boy is becoming more and more boring...
This has become very long, I started writing this text yesterday, I knew I had to write, but I didn't know what I had to write. In the end, I think some interesting thoughts have come out... but God, it was hard. I hope I haven't bored you too much, whatever the reasons that led you to read me, I don't want to bore you, but you must understand that above all, these lines are therapeutic for me.
Have a nice day.
I love your use of Zhuangzi's dream. Also because the butterfly is a symbol of rebirth, which fits well with you amazing story.